nith

When George Orwell coined the word "Doublespeak" to be used instead of lie, I just wondered was it done to give more respectability to the majority of the people of the world who indulge in doublepeak. I got the answer today in the meeting of the faculty where some big issue was discussed. The discussion brought to open the rivalry between the two associations. Now do we really need two or more associations in the college, is a big question. I think it is like having a watch dog in your house that will help you secure the house. I think only one watch dog worth the salt is enough to safeguard the house than having so many little Pamerians who would just be performing the ornamental function than the job required of them. Now what is the relation between Associations and doublespeak? In fact it was during my first discussions with the administration that I was told point blank that the new House Allotment rules were framed in consultation as well as per the suggestions of the various Associations. But today the Administration said that there were not any Associations in the Institute that were recognised by the Governing Body so the question of settling the claims for the genuine Association does not arise. I was suddenly interested and was all ears to see the concept "doublespeak" at work. It is to speak what suits the occasion whether that is true or false. Losing all interest in the burning topic of discussion, I was listening to volte-face of the Administration. I am happy that I finally saw the newly coined word of English Language at work. A concept changed into a reality. A "Doublespeak" at work!

Yesterday was the day when we had to submit the absentee statement of the students. I was surprised to see so many of them come to my office with pleading looks in their eyes for a favour. I wondered why they had to bring themself to such a pathetic situation where they have to stand in front of someone seeking a favour which in the first place they never needed to? I had a strange feeling--repulsion for their erratic behaviour that has put me off so many times and a look of helplessness on thir face that spoke it all. Could I be like them? Then what would be the difference between innocence and experience? But were they really innocent or were the traunts bent upon spoiling the ambience of the class? On one hand my mind told me to act in a rational manner and submit the attendance record as it was and let them all face the music. At least it would serve as a precedent to the coming classes and set the things right. On the other hand there was my heart telling me not to harm the students in such a manner as what they needed at this stage was a reformative measure so that they understand to value some things in life. And finally it was my heart that won over my mind and I filled up in the form "no shortage" and submitted the report. A big burden was off my head but at the same time a doubt assailed me--would it not be termed as my weakness? I had serious reservations against some cases of indiscipline in the class and by letting them go scot free, was I not sending the message that they were free to behave the way they wanted, with no punishment? Though I forgive you but I won't ever forget it. And this is what would bring out the difference in our relationship.

Another day has started with another beginning! A day to new challenges, new hopes and new plans! A phone from the Girls' Hostel started my day--it informed me of a boy trying to talk on his cell phone to a girl inside the hostel. I am really fed up of this young generation, more means of communication they have, more demanding they have become. I wonder why adherence to the rules is not abided by these young persons? What do they get by breaking the rules? They know it well that it is not permissible for them to meet or stand outside the gate of the Girls' hostel after a point of time, but why don't they adhere to the rules set up for maintaining law and order on the campus? This reminds me of a couple of similar incidents that took place last year as well. Once on my late evening walks i found a girl and a boy talking to each other, both sitting on the opposite sides of the iron gate which was locked. What I found offending was that both were sitting on the ground, facing each other. Loosing my cool, I literally shouted at both of them and asked them to meet me in my office the next day. It was first time that I practically saw the Knight in question running to save the damsel in distress--as the boy wanted to own all responsibility for having asked the girl to come over to the gate and sit talking to him I tols him point blank that the girl knew about the rules she was supposed to follow and breaking them was solely her responsibility. As both of them had pased out from the college and there was literally nothing much that I could do, I let it go as it had served as a warning to the other inmates of the hostel
The other incident also happened around the same time. I got a call from the resident warden that a group of students had been singing songs ousside the hoslel and all phone calls to the Chief warden and the security personnel at the gate had elicited no reply. Exacperated, she had finally calle me. I went to the open space outside my home and could hear the songs. I wondered what the proctor and the vchief warden who both stayed very close to the hostel were doing? I was angry eith this indiffernce shown by them and decidedto walk to the hostel It was 2A.M. in the night and the road was lonely and dark but with the sound of songs guiding my way, I reached the spot. Lo and behold--what I saw was a group of abou 12-13c tudents with water bottles and guitars were sitting on the road and singing loudly. They were so shocked to find me standing there in front ofthem that they were numb for some time. I scolded them the eay I would never scold any one as i was so angry with them. They just wanted to run away. Within 5v minutes of my arrival, the security personnel also appeared and starting behaving in an officious manner but I took over from him as neither iwanted the students to pay heavily for this nor to let them go scot free. Asking them to come to my room with a written apology, I made them realise how wrong it was on thir part. But this year, once again, the farewell time is round the corner and new faces emerge on thescene. For us it is always another day and a new beginning.

Never did I realize the power of the green ink! I knew that red ink was the ine to be afraid of as it was the colour that my teacher marked my papers with and a red ciircle would announce a mistake! I was afraid of red colour as it signified danger to me. Blue was the colour, I wrote my papers in and would keep on changong from royal blue to black blue to do my best so far the presentation was concerned. Now a mature person (only I think so) I use black in my Parker pen to write with, as this is the colour that I like the best. But it is never pure black, the colour of the parken black ink comes out on the pages a slightly dark grey! I evaluate the papers of my students with black colour pen so that they do not develop a sense of awe for the colour red. And I use black so that they know and understand a big lesson of the life that it is the grey colour that they must be wary of! It is the zone which has your own people who have turned from white to grey and you don't even understand that they are not to be trusted. The deaadliest zone of all the colous!
But green is the colour that signifies power. Whatsoever may be the mode of your writing or the colour of the ink that you use--it is the green colour that makes the decision. This is the colour that owershadows all rational/irrational pleas. I understand the power of the green colour but am not in a position to use that colour in my pen. I wonder who made this convention of using green colour for persons at the helm of the affairs? Is it a unwritten code of conduct that we have started to follow without looking for the rationale behind it? And more important is the question--what stops us as individuals to use green colour in our pens?

I was looking forward to read the reply filed by the administratiion to the points raised by me. Therefore, in the evening I went to my lawyer's office--now it is really unfair to call him my lawyer as he is like a mmber of family--to find out about the happenings of the day. There I came to know that the Administration has sought some more time to file the reply. I qwas surprised as the people in power with all information at their beck and call had to seek more time. Is it that they want to buy more time to do some mischief--like getting some documents signed in the back date? I don't know. I don't ask anyone about what they are doing as I find it below my dignity to even talk about these things in my professional capacity. This again makes me wonder, are these people also bound by these very ethics or not? Perhaps not. As I was told by someone that an employee went to the D rewuesting him to alot her a suitable accommodation to that he replied that since Ma'am has gone to court so there is a judicial stay otherwise he would have surely helped her!!Strange--it really is strange that in my case he had no such soft words to soothe me, instead all he said was that even if you go to court, "We'll win the case."

Today the administration will be filing the reply to my plea that is now with the court. I wonder why they didn't care to give any reply to so many of my entreaties. Why is it that a common human being is forced by the authorities to get reprieve from the court? There must be some penalty against the administration that deliberately brings the persons discriminated against to the fringe where the only option left to them is either to accept all the injustice and suffer the effects of being a coward or to seek redressal from some higher authority.
But in the first place why the situation should arrive to a point of no return where even the option of making the bridge is gone? It was not that I just loved all the effort of moving the court just for the sake of fun, it was because I would never had pardoned myself for being a victim and not a fighter. It was the comment made by the person at the top, "We'll win the case" that made me go for it. I really wonder at the apathy depicted by him and that too when I am sure he too understood that I had been a victim of the vagaries of the administration, so far the rules were concerned.
Now let’s see what reply they file today to show their good face. I think that the reply would have more to do with being in a position of power echelons than being a conscience people. But this is what you have to do to save face!

Finally at last, today I hold in my hand the notification of University declaring me to be eligible for the award of Ph. D. Degree in English Literature. Now what is the big deal about it? Don’t people get Ph.D. degrees? Yes, they do. But what makes it significant in my case is because of two reasons---that I would be turning fifty this August. And the other is that the research work has been applauded by the examiners on what it had to offer.
Leaving the academic part aside, this work has brought about significant change in my life as well and this is what I find worth recording today. I have been passing through a low phase in my working life since last few days where I had started to believe that whole of the system was manipulating against me. Now there were two options that i had--either to let the administration has its way or to protest against the system. I was in a dilemma. I wondered, is fighting against the well established system was worth the effort? Why should I take unnecessary burden? And more important was that I was angry with my own self for not being like what others were--apologetic and spineless.
It was it this stage that my research work that focused on the famous epic characters like Draupadi, Kunti etc. came to show the way out. I really felt that i would be failing in my duty if I went along with the people who accept whatever comes their way and fail to challenges of life. The example of Draupadi who fought a much established system to fight for a cause gave me inner strength.
Was I, too, not like helpless Draupadi making entreaties to everyone---the Administration, the Teachers' Association to sort out the problem and get me justice? Did not the great Bhishma say "Dharma is on the side of the powerful"? And here I was still hoping against hope that something called pricks of conscience still exist among people? I, too. had to learn the bitter lesson that it was my fight and I had to fight it alone to seek justice.
I don’t regret my decision to fight as ever since the decision, I am much at peace with myself.
And I thank my Ph.D. work for that. I never knew that I will be making use of my research work in my own life and that too so soon.
Thank you Ph.D. Degree!

Never had I thought that I would be so dependent upon this blog space to give vent to my feelings. A chance mishandling of the account sstopped me from posting on this blog abd I felt so helpless. I would try writing a post but this facility was disabled for me and I still would log on hoping against hope that somehow it will start working. And today the first thing that I did after taking my class was to check the site.
And it was working. I was so glad as if I had got something that was lost in my life. Is it addiction to writing something or AI seriously want to purgate myself of all that has been torturing me these days?

Finally I saw the minutes of the meeting of the Senate. It was as per my expectation, the part that I was searching for, was missing. It was something that clearly was beyond my expectation.

A nice way to start the day. I am cheerful today and look forward to a good day ahead. I want to give my best to the class and would not anything, at any cost, let me deprive of that right. It indeed is a good day. Today is our marriage anniversary, and to be specific it is 28th marriage anniversary that we are celebrating today. I Thank God to be merciful to us for all these years. The small ups and downs at the personal and professional level, not withstanding, it has been a peaceful life together.
The day went well. In the evening the “whisperer” and the “outspoken” came to meet me along with another student. The “whisperer” was a bit worried about me as during the day he was able to perceive something on my face that told him about my mental state. I had to tell them about the happenings at the professional front. Oh, the “outspoken” put on the adult ego mantle the moment he heard about my predicament and told me in world-of-fact kind of tone that to let a comment rob me of my mental peace was not worth the effort. As why had I to prove myself of worth in front of people who themselves were not at that level. His words, though, rough at times were honest and I thought of the maturity he had at this age. He told about the futility of waiting for justice to happen as it does not ordinarily happens in average person’s life.
Leaving all discussions, we all had dinner together and ultimately celebrated our 28th marriage anniversary. Another good thing was that the “whisperer” fulfilled his promise by making tea for all of us but it was an effort to gulp that tea, is another story!

Today I decided to finally encounter the person who had made that comment about me. After taking the class, I straight away wwent to his office and as usual found him busy on his laptop. I asked for just two minutes of his time.

I am really wondering as to why am I writing? Is it to get the burden off my soul or to make myself a pleader. I am feeling as if I have started taking pity on my condition. If this is the truth then I am really in a pathetic condition. I remember that on January 1, 2006, I had written in my diary that I would not allow any negative comment to rob me of my life energy but I have come to believe that one negative comment from that person has been successful in robbing me of my life energy. No, Mr. Despot I will not let you have your way. I will retain all my positive energy and use it for all things positive. Your comment might have ruffled a few feathers in my life but I believe that those were the weak feathers that would have fallen on their own as well. So you have rather helped me getting rid of the dead wood. I wonder why could I not see the truth earlier? Thanks anyway. I am sure that I will come out stronger after this episode, ready to face anything, even you in your worst role!
I pity you for being so weak that you have to criticize an employee and that too a woman, in her absence. Show your guts and talk to me about all that you spoke behind my back. Writing thee posts have made me get rid of the feeling of desperation that had crept in and now I am able to see reason in the purpose of my being. Everything happens for a reason and perhaps your comment is a way of the destiny to wake me from the slumber and be the person that once I was, fiery and daredevil.

Nothing is more away from the truth than the myth of women empowerment. This truth dawned on me recently although all these years I kept a false hope alive in my heart that the situation is not that bad. Why are women marginalized in all areas of work life? Is it that they are not assertive like the males and are considered a soft target? Or is that the society still expects a stereotyped behavior pattern from the women and any deviation is strictly looked down upon. And less said about the men, better it would be as they seem to unite dissolving all differences when it comes to facing a soft target—a woman seeking power. It is not that men are against all women but they are against women who seek and strive to come on equal terms with the,. It makes them afraid, terribly afraid of being usurped of the position that they cherish to maintain.

Having been in job in this Institute for a long time, who else would know the truth of this hard fact, better than me. If one looks at the seats of power and the occupants thereof in the long history of the Institute, the fact comes to light that women have always had a raw deal at the hands of the authorities. The senior female teachers are at the mercy of much junior male teachers when it comes to certain assignments that are distributed equally among all, at least on the surface.

And does anyone complain about this treatment meted out to women? No one. Men don’t do it as it is the prerogative they seem to relish by virtue of being men and women—who listens to them? A meek feeble voice that gets muffled in the harsh sounds made by the rousing voices of men! I shout at the top of my voice and am singled out of the ordinary and am a betrayer to the long established practice of balance of power. When I try to get what is male prerogative, I am sneered at and am the odd (wo)man out!

And do I get my right—you must be joking. All my representations, pleadings, requests are buried under the mounds of rubbish that is fate of any Government organization. And I keep on waiting like a fool that someday someone will take notice of my representations and soothe the injury of my soul. But the truth remains that women empowerment is a myth that remains a pleasant myth.

The court summons that I served the authorities with were because of the unlawful house allotment that was on way. Now what is so surprising about the entire incident is that nothing ever seems to change In this Institute except the people at the top but having the same very way of dealing with the issues. Sometimes there is so much similarity among the happenings which happen at different points of time but every time they happen, it seems like the repeat telecast of some soap opera. Yes the life in this Institute is nothing less than a soap opera where the leading star changes and along with comes about a change in the people surrounding him. Yes one thing that remains constant all the time is that I am always outside that close group.

I wonder is it that something is wrong with me or the world at large, around me, is wrong? I find it difficult to believe either of the two. About me, I am certain as I also am certain that the world I am part of is neither completely black nor white! But what irritates me and saddens me is the gray area, the area where the people that I trust suddenly go and become part of the black. Now I am not even certain as what I see as black, is black really as from their perspective I may be black as compared to white that I see myself to be.

So, to come back to the story, a house allotment meeting was scheduled to be held on 9th of the last month where I was at number two for two number houses. All the members of the committee had assembled but suddenly the meeting was cancelled without giving any valid reason for. As I was the sufferer and wanted to be heard, and having implicit faith in the judgment of the person at the helm of the affairs, straight I went to him. But what I got was a veiled threat, sugarcoated with smiles, that I was lose the case even if I thought of moving the court. I was shocked beyond belief to find such an indifferent attitude in a person who had been a teacher himself some days back! I knew that day the truth of the adage that “power corrupts and the absolute power corrupts absolutely”.

With no other option in my hand, when numerous grievances complaints written by me fell on deaf ears, I had to move the court. The day I went to the court to sign some papers, I felt so bad. Never in my life had I thought of going to the court for such a matter. I cursed the system that had put such ideas in our mind that we wanted to seek justice. I blamed my upbringing for making me a person who would fight for a cause and would go to any extent to prove her point. I wish I had been like others, a meek little person with no sense of self-esteem that would not even whimper when crushed under the foot of a despot.

Why was I different from the ordinary? But I am what I am today only because I am different. And I am proud to be the person that I am. And herein lies my strength and the essence of my being.

Once again the same old story is repeated. A comment made by the head of our Institute about me in a official meeting has made me seek his reasons for transgressing his limits. Why is it that persons having alleviated to higher positions forget their own time when they too were not at the other side of the table?

The reasons for his unreasonable outburst could be the court summons that I have served on him the previous day. I wonder the veracity of his conduct as was it not in the very beginning that he was having a meeting that a comment mad by him became the hottest topic of discussion among the fraternity of the Institute. I don't have much to complain against him as why should I. He is a person relatively unknown to us and is under watch these days for how he would carry him self. But honestly speaking, he is not cutting a good image.

Commenting like a "nagging wife" while chairing the second most important meeting of the Institute is not at all becoming for the person occupying the highest pedestal in the hierarchy.

What has hurt me more than his remarks, is the apathic attitude of the people I trusted. But are these people to be trusted, is once again debatable. In the other meeting when this person made a very derogatory remark about a woman teacher, I was shocked to learn that many of the so called members of the moral policing force, chose to sit impassively when a female colleague, in absentia, was being mercilessly assassinated. A comment of the kind that "I'll kick her out" made no impact on these very so called friends of the woman teacher and the height was that she was not even present to defend or fight back.

But this time he has attacked a different person, a warrior who would fight back. I would ask him to clarify the reasons for making such an unwarranted, uncalled for remark at a wrong time. Don't we encourage people by not bringing to their notice their high-headedness. If he could loose his cool in official meetings, he has no right to be there in the first place. So once again I would be forced to take up the gauntlet and fight the system that takes women as soft targets.