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When George Orwell coined the word "Doublespeak" to be used instead of lie, I just wondered was it done to give more respectability to the majority of the people of the world who indulge in doublepeak. I got the answer today in the meeting of the faculty where some big issue was discussed. The discussion brought to open the rivalry between the two associations. Now do we really need two or more associations in the college, is a big question. I think it is like having a watch dog in your house that will help you secure the house. I think only one watch dog worth the salt is enough to safeguard the house than having so many little Pamerians who would just be performing the ornamental function than the job required of them. Now what is the relation between Associations and doublespeak? In fact it was during my first discussions with the administration that I was told point blank that the new House Allotment rules were framed in consultation as well as per the suggestions of the various Associations. But today the Administration said that there were not any Associations in the Institute that were recognised by the Governing Body so the question of settling the claims for the genuine Association does not arise. I was suddenly interested and was all ears to see the concept "doublespeak" at work. It is to speak what suits the occasion whether that is true or false. Losing all interest in the burning topic of discussion, I was listening to volte-face of the Administration. I am happy that I finally saw the newly coined word of English Language at work. A concept changed into a reality. A "Doublespeak" at work!

Yesterday was the day when we had to submit the absentee statement of the students. I was surprised to see so many of them come to my office with pleading looks in their eyes for a favour. I wondered why they had to bring themself to such a pathetic situation where they have to stand in front of someone seeking a favour which in the first place they never needed to? I had a strange feeling--repulsion for their erratic behaviour that has put me off so many times and a look of helplessness on thir face that spoke it all. Could I be like them? Then what would be the difference between innocence and experience? But were they really innocent or were the traunts bent upon spoiling the ambience of the class? On one hand my mind told me to act in a rational manner and submit the attendance record as it was and let them all face the music. At least it would serve as a precedent to the coming classes and set the things right. On the other hand there was my heart telling me not to harm the students in such a manner as what they needed at this stage was a reformative measure so that they understand to value some things in life. And finally it was my heart that won over my mind and I filled up in the form "no shortage" and submitted the report. A big burden was off my head but at the same time a doubt assailed me--would it not be termed as my weakness? I had serious reservations against some cases of indiscipline in the class and by letting them go scot free, was I not sending the message that they were free to behave the way they wanted, with no punishment? Though I forgive you but I won't ever forget it. And this is what would bring out the difference in our relationship.

Another day has started with another beginning! A day to new challenges, new hopes and new plans! A phone from the Girls' Hostel started my day--it informed me of a boy trying to talk on his cell phone to a girl inside the hostel. I am really fed up of this young generation, more means of communication they have, more demanding they have become. I wonder why adherence to the rules is not abided by these young persons? What do they get by breaking the rules? They know it well that it is not permissible for them to meet or stand outside the gate of the Girls' hostel after a point of time, but why don't they adhere to the rules set up for maintaining law and order on the campus? This reminds me of a couple of similar incidents that took place last year as well. Once on my late evening walks i found a girl and a boy talking to each other, both sitting on the opposite sides of the iron gate which was locked. What I found offending was that both were sitting on the ground, facing each other. Loosing my cool, I literally shouted at both of them and asked them to meet me in my office the next day. It was first time that I practically saw the Knight in question running to save the damsel in distress--as the boy wanted to own all responsibility for having asked the girl to come over to the gate and sit talking to him I tols him point blank that the girl knew about the rules she was supposed to follow and breaking them was solely her responsibility. As both of them had pased out from the college and there was literally nothing much that I could do, I let it go as it had served as a warning to the other inmates of the hostel
The other incident also happened around the same time. I got a call from the resident warden that a group of students had been singing songs ousside the hoslel and all phone calls to the Chief warden and the security personnel at the gate had elicited no reply. Exacperated, she had finally calle me. I went to the open space outside my home and could hear the songs. I wondered what the proctor and the vchief warden who both stayed very close to the hostel were doing? I was angry eith this indiffernce shown by them and decidedto walk to the hostel It was 2A.M. in the night and the road was lonely and dark but with the sound of songs guiding my way, I reached the spot. Lo and behold--what I saw was a group of abou 12-13c tudents with water bottles and guitars were sitting on the road and singing loudly. They were so shocked to find me standing there in front ofthem that they were numb for some time. I scolded them the eay I would never scold any one as i was so angry with them. They just wanted to run away. Within 5v minutes of my arrival, the security personnel also appeared and starting behaving in an officious manner but I took over from him as neither iwanted the students to pay heavily for this nor to let them go scot free. Asking them to come to my room with a written apology, I made them realise how wrong it was on thir part. But this year, once again, the farewell time is round the corner and new faces emerge on thescene. For us it is always another day and a new beginning.

Never did I realize the power of the green ink! I knew that red ink was the ine to be afraid of as it was the colour that my teacher marked my papers with and a red ciircle would announce a mistake! I was afraid of red colour as it signified danger to me. Blue was the colour, I wrote my papers in and would keep on changong from royal blue to black blue to do my best so far the presentation was concerned. Now a mature person (only I think so) I use black in my Parker pen to write with, as this is the colour that I like the best. But it is never pure black, the colour of the parken black ink comes out on the pages a slightly dark grey! I evaluate the papers of my students with black colour pen so that they do not develop a sense of awe for the colour red. And I use black so that they know and understand a big lesson of the life that it is the grey colour that they must be wary of! It is the zone which has your own people who have turned from white to grey and you don't even understand that they are not to be trusted. The deaadliest zone of all the colous!
But green is the colour that signifies power. Whatsoever may be the mode of your writing or the colour of the ink that you use--it is the green colour that makes the decision. This is the colour that owershadows all rational/irrational pleas. I understand the power of the green colour but am not in a position to use that colour in my pen. I wonder who made this convention of using green colour for persons at the helm of the affairs? Is it a unwritten code of conduct that we have started to follow without looking for the rationale behind it? And more important is the question--what stops us as individuals to use green colour in our pens?

I was looking forward to read the reply filed by the administratiion to the points raised by me. Therefore, in the evening I went to my lawyer's office--now it is really unfair to call him my lawyer as he is like a mmber of family--to find out about the happenings of the day. There I came to know that the Administration has sought some more time to file the reply. I qwas surprised as the people in power with all information at their beck and call had to seek more time. Is it that they want to buy more time to do some mischief--like getting some documents signed in the back date? I don't know. I don't ask anyone about what they are doing as I find it below my dignity to even talk about these things in my professional capacity. This again makes me wonder, are these people also bound by these very ethics or not? Perhaps not. As I was told by someone that an employee went to the D rewuesting him to alot her a suitable accommodation to that he replied that since Ma'am has gone to court so there is a judicial stay otherwise he would have surely helped her!!Strange--it really is strange that in my case he had no such soft words to soothe me, instead all he said was that even if you go to court, "We'll win the case."

Today the administration will be filing the reply to my plea that is now with the court. I wonder why they didn't care to give any reply to so many of my entreaties. Why is it that a common human being is forced by the authorities to get reprieve from the court? There must be some penalty against the administration that deliberately brings the persons discriminated against to the fringe where the only option left to them is either to accept all the injustice and suffer the effects of being a coward or to seek redressal from some higher authority.
But in the first place why the situation should arrive to a point of no return where even the option of making the bridge is gone? It was not that I just loved all the effort of moving the court just for the sake of fun, it was because I would never had pardoned myself for being a victim and not a fighter. It was the comment made by the person at the top, "We'll win the case" that made me go for it. I really wonder at the apathy depicted by him and that too when I am sure he too understood that I had been a victim of the vagaries of the administration, so far the rules were concerned.
Now let’s see what reply they file today to show their good face. I think that the reply would have more to do with being in a position of power echelons than being a conscience people. But this is what you have to do to save face!

Finally at last, today I hold in my hand the notification of University declaring me to be eligible for the award of Ph. D. Degree in English Literature. Now what is the big deal about it? Don’t people get Ph.D. degrees? Yes, they do. But what makes it significant in my case is because of two reasons---that I would be turning fifty this August. And the other is that the research work has been applauded by the examiners on what it had to offer.
Leaving the academic part aside, this work has brought about significant change in my life as well and this is what I find worth recording today. I have been passing through a low phase in my working life since last few days where I had started to believe that whole of the system was manipulating against me. Now there were two options that i had--either to let the administration has its way or to protest against the system. I was in a dilemma. I wondered, is fighting against the well established system was worth the effort? Why should I take unnecessary burden? And more important was that I was angry with my own self for not being like what others were--apologetic and spineless.
It was it this stage that my research work that focused on the famous epic characters like Draupadi, Kunti etc. came to show the way out. I really felt that i would be failing in my duty if I went along with the people who accept whatever comes their way and fail to challenges of life. The example of Draupadi who fought a much established system to fight for a cause gave me inner strength.
Was I, too, not like helpless Draupadi making entreaties to everyone---the Administration, the Teachers' Association to sort out the problem and get me justice? Did not the great Bhishma say "Dharma is on the side of the powerful"? And here I was still hoping against hope that something called pricks of conscience still exist among people? I, too. had to learn the bitter lesson that it was my fight and I had to fight it alone to seek justice.
I don’t regret my decision to fight as ever since the decision, I am much at peace with myself.
And I thank my Ph.D. work for that. I never knew that I will be making use of my research work in my own life and that too so soon.
Thank you Ph.D. Degree!

Never had I thought that I would be so dependent upon this blog space to give vent to my feelings. A chance mishandling of the account sstopped me from posting on this blog abd I felt so helpless. I would try writing a post but this facility was disabled for me and I still would log on hoping against hope that somehow it will start working. And today the first thing that I did after taking my class was to check the site.
And it was working. I was so glad as if I had got something that was lost in my life. Is it addiction to writing something or AI seriously want to purgate myself of all that has been torturing me these days?

Finally I saw the minutes of the meeting of the Senate. It was as per my expectation, the part that I was searching for, was missing. It was something that clearly was beyond my expectation.

A nice way to start the day. I am cheerful today and look forward to a good day ahead. I want to give my best to the class and would not anything, at any cost, let me deprive of that right. It indeed is a good day. Today is our marriage anniversary, and to be specific it is 28th marriage anniversary that we are celebrating today. I Thank God to be merciful to us for all these years. The small ups and downs at the personal and professional level, not withstanding, it has been a peaceful life together.
The day went well. In the evening the “whisperer” and the “outspoken” came to meet me along with another student. The “whisperer” was a bit worried about me as during the day he was able to perceive something on my face that told him about my mental state. I had to tell them about the happenings at the professional front. Oh, the “outspoken” put on the adult ego mantle the moment he heard about my predicament and told me in world-of-fact kind of tone that to let a comment rob me of my mental peace was not worth the effort. As why had I to prove myself of worth in front of people who themselves were not at that level. His words, though, rough at times were honest and I thought of the maturity he had at this age. He told about the futility of waiting for justice to happen as it does not ordinarily happens in average person’s life.
Leaving all discussions, we all had dinner together and ultimately celebrated our 28th marriage anniversary. Another good thing was that the “whisperer” fulfilled his promise by making tea for all of us but it was an effort to gulp that tea, is another story!